I need a drink now! F. Mitt Romney
Category Archive: Election plans
Aug
30
Will be speaking soon!
Dear peasants, Soon I’ll take the podium and pretend to not use the teleprompter when I speak to the dregs of society in America, some of whom make less than $1 million/year. I’ll throw in some insults of Obama and lay out my plans for turning the country around. Of course, I won’t really focus …
Jun
28
Obamacare will cause impotence!
Dear poor people, Today the Supreme Court upheld the Affordable Care Act or as we derisively call it, Obamacare, because by labeling it as such, people know that Barack Hussein Obama, whom they’ve been told to hate for unclear reasons, is behind it. Some clarifications are in order: Obamacare and its individual mandate was …
Jun
06
War is for poor people
Dear serfs, Years ago I avoided the draft so that I could do among other things such as serve as a “minister of religion in France’. I received four deferments because really, like all rich kids I prefered to be in college or in France spreading the Gospel according to Brigham Young than fighting …
May
24
Just like the Sopranos
Dear peasant, A lot of confusion has emerged when discussing my time at Bain Capital. This video clip explains: In all honesty, Bain Capital was nothing like the Sopranos. There weren’t any whackings, but more importantly, unlike the mafia, we didn’t have any honor. Mostly sincere, F Mitt Romney P.S. What was your favorite …
May
22
I AM A UNICORN!
Dear poor people, Some have taken offense that my Arizona co-chair, (no not the former co-chair, the homosexual sheriff who threatened to deport his boyfriend if he spoke of their relationship, allegedly), Ken Bennett, the AZ Secretary of State is investigating Barack Obama’s birth certificate. They are requesting Bennett look into whether I am a unicorn with …
May
18
My view of the electorate
Dear people without car elevators in their future, My crack digital team has started creating infographics to better describe my positions and views. The first one is below — I think they need to make some adjustments to the circle sizes — it seems the circle for Obama is slightly larger than the circle for …
May
17
New campaign motto!
I stand by what I said whatever it was No additional comments necessary. F Mitt Romney
May
01
Only Republicans can exploit deaths related to 9/11!
Dear poor folk, My opponent, Barack Husein Obama, is trying to imply I would not have attacked bin Laden in Pakistan, in part because I said I wouldn’t. This type of political ad is exploitive — I feel he is using my words against me. Not fair! When I said I wouldn’t, it didn’t mean …
Apr
28
Borrow from your parents
Dear poor kids, I have sage advice for you. If you don’t have the money, just ask your parents to give you $100 million like I did for my sons. Surely, all of you have parents who at least have tens of thousands of dollars laying around. My parents gave me money that allowed me …
