Not sincerely, F Mitt Romney
Category Archive: Character
Aug
30
Will be speaking soon!
Dear peasants, Soon I’ll take the podium and pretend to not use the teleprompter when I speak to the dregs of society in America, some of whom make less than $1 million/year. I’ll throw in some insults of Obama and lay out my plans for turning the country around. Of course, I won’t really focus …
Jul
15
Marvelous campaign advertisement!
Dear poor people, Here is my latest ad: There is nothing I would change about this ad — it is awesome. It shows the extent I will go to make profits — destroying American jobs for cheaper labor in Mexico, India, and China. Additionally, it demonstrates my tax avoidance (tax evasion has not yet been …
Jul
15
Bain of my existence, again!
Dear losers who make less than $100,000/yr and have to do actual work, There has been a spike in concern about my years at Bain Capital. Understand that I “retired” in February 1999 to rescue the Olympics from catastrophic failure of which the world hasn’t seen until the London 2012 Summer Olympics. When I left …
Jul
04
The individual mandate is a tax (today at least — tune in tomorrow)
Dear poor white trash, Today I have re-imagined my future position on the Obamacare individual mandate. It is a tax. This seems to contradict what my senior adviser Eric “Etch-a-sketch” Fehrnstrom said just two days ago: But, that was the position then. This is the position now. The position going forward: stay tuned. Honestly, I’ve …
Jun
28
Obamacare will cause impotence!
Dear poor people, Today the Supreme Court upheld the Affordable Care Act or as we derisively call it, Obamacare, because by labeling it as such, people know that Barack Hussein Obama, whom they’ve been told to hate for unclear reasons, is behind it. Some clarifications are in order: Obamacare and its individual mandate was …
Jun
27
My Powerpoint Didn’t Work!
Dear peasants, Unfortunately, last Thursday the Washington Post did an expose describing my years at Bain Capital and offered we “owned companies that were pioneers in the practice of shipping work from the United States to overseas call centers and factories making computer components” Now, unfortunately this can not stand. Not because it’s a mischaracterization, …
Jun
06
War is for poor people
Dear serfs, Years ago I avoided the draft so that I could do among other things such as serve as a “minister of religion in France’. I received four deferments because really, like all rich kids I prefered to be in college or in France spreading the Gospel according to Brigham Young than fighting …
May
24
Just like the Sopranos
Dear peasant, A lot of confusion has emerged when discussing my time at Bain Capital. This video clip explains: In all honesty, Bain Capital was nothing like the Sopranos. There weren’t any whackings, but more importantly, unlike the mafia, we didn’t have any honor. Mostly sincere, F Mitt Romney P.S. What was your favorite …
May
22
I AM A UNICORN!
Dear poor people, Some have taken offense that my Arizona co-chair, (no not the former co-chair, the homosexual sheriff who threatened to deport his boyfriend if he spoke of their relationship, allegedly), Ken Bennett, the AZ Secretary of State is investigating Barack Obama’s birth certificate. They are requesting Bennett look into whether I am a unicorn with …
