Dear losers who make less than $100,000/yr and have to do actual work, There has been a spike in concern about my years at Bain Capital. Understand that I “retired” in February 1999 to rescue the Olympics from catastrophic failure of which the world hasn’t seen until the London 2012 Summer Olympics. When I left …
Category Archive: Flip Flopping
Jul
04
The individual mandate is a tax (today at least — tune in tomorrow)
Dear poor white trash, Today I have re-imagined my future position on the Obamacare individual mandate. It is a tax. This seems to contradict what my senior adviser Eric “Etch-a-sketch” Fehrnstrom said just two days ago: But, that was the position then. This is the position now. The position going forward: stay tuned. Honestly, I’ve …
Jun
28
Shake-shake-shake: campaign website etch-a-sketch forthcoming
Dear serfs, Don’t expect to see this much longer: Your friend in hating activist judges (except when they save my ass a la Citizens United) appointed by Republican presidents, F Mitt Romney
Jun
28
Obamacare will cause impotence!
Dear poor people, Today the Supreme Court upheld the Affordable Care Act or as we derisively call it, Obamacare, because by labeling it as such, people know that Barack Hussein Obama, whom they’ve been told to hate for unclear reasons, is behind it. Some clarifications are in order: Obamacare and its individual mandate was …
May
17
New campaign motto!
I stand by what I said whatever it was No additional comments necessary. F Mitt Romney
Feb
29
I was against the Blunt amendment before I was for it
Dear poor white trash, Today when asked if I was for the Blunt amendment (and therefore siding with the religious zealots in the GOP who hate women, particularly women who have sex), I replied: I’m not for the bill Of course, when I said I’m not for the bill I meant I was for it. …
Feb
21
Sometimes I forget to lie
Dearest future subjects, Earlier today I was awash in one too many non-caffeinated, non-alcoholic beverages and made the following remark: If you just cut — if all you’re thinking about is just cutting spending — why as you cut spending you’ll slow down the economy Now, I know what you’re thinking — making sense has …
Sep
29
Flip-flopping is not a problem — it’s a solution
Huddled masses, Some have suggested I flip-flop too much, but as I stated earlier today changing your entire policy or personal belief is not something to be ashamed of, but something to profess with pride: In the private sector” “if you don’t change your view when the facts change, well you’ll get fired for being …
Sep
28
Inde-fence-ible
Poor folks, My only remaining opponent, Rick “Debate-Champion” Perry seems to believe in promoting illegal immigration. He even went as far as to question those of us who opposed his seemingly reasonable position of providing tuition breaks to children of illegal immigrants, calling us heartless: “If you say that we should not educate children who …
Jul
26
My debt ceiling position — TBD (Totally Being Delayed)
Dear future subjects, I have been accused of flip-flopping (but given my wealth it’s more Italian hand-stitched loafering) so I am pursuing a new strategy — not to take a position. Instead, poor unwashed masses, I’ll just pretend to be engaged by criticizing Obama’s position — much like an angry man yelling at the clouds …
