Continue reading »]]> Dear serfs,

Only an 82 year old rich white man with crazy hair talking to an empty chair can relate to my voting base.  We had months to plan for the RNC 2012 convention so my campaign staff, who previously aided my successful foreign trip,  and I debated every segment with excruciating detail.

Behind the scenes there were a few other last minute possibilities prior to selecting Clint Eastwood and the chair.  We had discussed in length having Arnold Schwarzenegger sing to a bookcase filled with Ayn Rand novels, the King James Bible, and a hardcover version of my book No Apology: The Case for American Greatness (available at Amazon.com and bookstores everywhere).  Rehearsals didn’t go well (Arnold was a tad pitchy) so we brought in Bruce Willis to dance the tango with an ottoman.  Unfortunately, his footwork was too mechanical and we just couldn’t get the type of emotional effect we desired not to mention choosing just the right ottoman was fraught with questions — Do we opt for brown leather or perhaps white linen? Does it need to have storage capability? Will the sheen from the fabric impact the dramatic lighting? Will Bruce drop the ottoman for a younger model?

Ultimately, I think we chose wisely.

Mostly sincerely,

F Mitt Romney

Continue reading »]]> Dear peasants,

Soon I’ll take the podium and pretend to not use the teleprompter when I speak to the dregs of society in America, some of whom  make less than $1 million/year.  I’ll throw in some insults of Obama and lay out my plans for turning the country around.  Of course, I won’t really focus on the tax cuts for me and the rich and tax hikes and program cuts for you serfs.  Here’s the dicey part — I have to actually convince some of the poor white trash out there to vote for me.  Sure, I’ll enact devastating cuts that will ruin the safety net they’ll need to rely on, but those are the breaks.  And setting someone up with hope only to deliver a kill shot is what I did best at Bain.  Oh, I remember the quivering lips, the watery eyes, the dejected slouches that resulted from my actions.  Sorry, I’ll have to stop there, my magic underwear is getting damp.

Let’s me be honest (I laugh every time I say that) — I asked Paul Ryan (of the fucking Paul Ryan Plan) to join me on the ticket.  If people haven’t done the due diligence to read and see the immoral money grab under the transparent facade of fiscal responsibility (sure we’ll reduce the debt — like we care about the debt, suckers) there then I can’t feel sorry for them for being illiterate and/or FoxNews watchers.  I’ll be doing them a favor: putting them out of their misery.

Show time is coming up!

Not even remotely sincerely,

F Mitt Romney

Continue reading »]]> Dear poor people,

Here is my latest ad:

There is nothing I would change about this ad — it is awesome.  It shows the extent I will go to make profits — destroying American jobs for cheaper labor in Mexico, India, and China.  Additionally, it demonstrates my tax avoidance (tax evasion has not yet been proven) schemes further illustrating my brilliance and protecting my wealth so I can provide an even greater inheritance to my sons, even though I provided one with the uber-douchey name Tagg.

Wait, some people are saying this is Obama’s ad and it is critical of me.

Does not compute.

F Mitt Romney

Continue reading »]]> Dear losers who make less than $100,000/yr and have to do actual work,

There has been a spike in concern about my years at Bain Capital.  Understand that I “retired” in February 1999 to rescue the Olympics from catastrophic failure of which the world hasn’t seen until the London 2012 Summer Olympics.  When I left I was wanting to keep my seat warm until I returned, so I continued to claim I was “sole stockholder, chairman of the board, chief executive officer, and president.”  This designation filed with a ragtime organization called the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and the mere fact I made a salary of $100,000/yr for several years after my retirement mean nothing.

You see responsibility means you have to take blame and if you peasants haven’t figured it out yet, we rich people are never to blame.  If something goes awry (think economic collapse of 2008), that’s just the cost of doing business and the wealthy and pioneers of Wall Street must be supplemented (don’t say “bailed out” it seems so pedestrian) with vast government funds to continue their groundbreaking economic pursuits.  Likewise, when Bain Capital outsourced, offshored, and led to company bankruptcies during the mysterious 1999-2001 timeframe where I had the aforementioned SEC designation, I can’t be faulted.  Really, Bain shouldn’t be faulted either — this is just what we did and I’d defend it, but poor people just might not understand how business “works”.

Nevertheless, any accomplishments resulting from actions between my “retirement” and my really leaving for good are the result of my strategic brilliance and I should receive full (if not more) credit.

I did a speed round of explaining myself Friday — a set of interviews designed not to go into anything more than superficial detail.

In these interviews I again stressed that Obama owes me an apology. If I can pretend he apologizes to everyone else, I’ll pretend he’ll also apologize to me.

Yours always (except when previously noted),

F Mitt Romney

Continue reading »]]> Dear poor white trash,

Today I have re-imagined my future position on the Obamacare individual mandate.  It is a tax.

This seems to contradict what my senior adviser Eric “Etch-a-sketch” Fehrnstrom said just two days ago:

But, that was the position then.  This is the position now. The position going forward: stay tuned.  Honestly, I’ve had so many of these, shall I say “re-adjustments” to my core beliefs and policies I feel doing so doesn’t even cause much of a stir.  In this case, I’m doing it to serve dual purposes:  to align my policy with my masters and to divert attention from my offshore accounts (because that doesn’t seem so patriotic, does it?).

Sincerely,

F Mitt Romney