Dear poor people,
Today the Supreme Court upheld the Affordable Care Act or as we derisively call it, Obamacare, because by labeling it as such, people know that Barack Hussein Obama, whom they’ve been told to hate for unclear reasons, is behind it. Some clarifications are in order:
- Obamacare and its individual mandate was based on my health care plan in Massachusetts aka Romneycare, which sounds much better because it has my name in it and I’m white. Obamacare is a miscarriage of justice and must be repealed. Romneycare is awesome and could be considered a model for the other states and perhaps the U.S. if someone other than a black Kenyan was president.
- The individual mandate itself is a conservative policy first pushed by the Heritage Foundation around 1990.
- I have stated on my campaign website that I will nominate Supreme Court justices “in the mold of John Roberts …”
- John Roberts was appointed to the Supreme Court by a person-who-shall-not-be-named, but his nickname is an upside down “M”.
- John Roberts wrote the majority opinion in the National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius case today, decided on a 5-4 vote.
- 5 is one greater than 4.
- 5-1=4 is one less than 4+1=5
- Had John Roberts sided with patriotic right-wing zealots Scalia, Alito, Thomas, and Kennedy Obamacare would have been overturned.
- Today I stated Obamacare is “bad policy”. Because it is based on Romneycare some would suggest Romneycare is also “bad policy”. However, I covered this above — see the part about it containing “Romney” not “Obama” and my being white.
So, peasants, let me summarize: Obamacare is modeled after Romneycare and opted for an individual mandate based on a conservative think tank (is that an oxymoron?) proposal. It was upheld today and the majority opinion was delivered by a conservative Supreme Court judge appointed by a Republican president. But if it is not overturned the world as we know it will end! Swarms of locusts will cloak the earth! Forest fires will erupt in places ruining vacation homes and even primary private residences! Car elevators will cease to exist forcing people to somehow overcome the burden of beachfront property garage space! Republican men’s penises will become even smaller forcing them to overcompensate even more! Rich people might even have to pay more taxes. O.K., the last one was overkill, but you get my point. Things will not be marvelous!
We must repeal and replace it*!
* The actual policy proposed to replace it will be determined at some later date or not.
Trying to be sincere but failing,
F Mitt Romney