Dear poor people, Some have taken offense that my Arizona co-chair, (no not the former co-chair, the homosexual sheriff who threatened to deport his boyfriend if he spoke of their relationship, allegedly), Ken Bennett, the AZ Secretary of State is investigating Barack Obama’s birth certificate. They are requesting Bennett look into whether I am a unicorn with …
Tag Archive: romneywillsayanythingtowin
May
22
May
11
Lord of the Silk Ties
Dear serfs, My private school high school days were filled with riotous pranks, hijinks, and even the occasional shenanigans. One may have even involved me orchestrating my chums friends into pinning down a queer guy and cutting off his hair because it wasn’t the right length or color. In the incident that I can not …
Mar
26
I prefer to be vague because people would hate the details
Dear dirt poor Americans, New York Magazine has a column on my campaign’s nebulousness and my reluctance to illuminate details of my policies should I become president. I am quoted as saying: One of the things I found in a short campaign against Ted Kennedy was that when I said, for instance, that I wanted …
Mar
21
Magic 8 ball response
Dear peasants, After all the hullabaloo regarding my changing positions for the general like starting fresh on an Etch-a-sketch, I decided to rely on one of my trusted campaign advisors. The Magic 8-Ball. Concerned that I may have disturbed Tea Party voters who have questioned my sincerity and wondered whether I am as severely conservative as …
Mar
21
I need to get this Etch-a-sketch story behind me — I know, I’ll thank W!
Dear poor folks, I feel off balance from the fallout of my spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom claiming that for the general we would: hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes. It’s almost like an Etch a Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and we start all over again. So, to pivot from …
Mar
15
Is my version of the truth airtight? Seamus? He’s not saying.
Dear poor folk and fellow animal lovers, Yes, I did take my dog, Seamus, strapped to a dog crate on the top of the roof of our car for a 12-hour drive. This is a completely airtight kennel. … Seamus climbed up there all by himself But you understand the dog crate was an …
Jan
17
The America You Racists Love
Dear serfs, When I use phrases like “the America We Love” I’m really just appealing to your pathetic racist tendencies. Of course I’m not a racist, I’m just someone who will say anything to win. And to win as a Republican I will need all the racist votes I can get. So yes, I will …
Sep
28
Inde-fence-ible
Poor folks, My only remaining opponent, Rick “Debate-Champion” Perry seems to believe in promoting illegal immigration. He even went as far as to question those of us who opposed his seemingly reasonable position of providing tuition breaks to children of illegal immigrants, calling us heartless: “If you say that we should not educate children who …
